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Anger over my "poisoning"
Sometimes I can't help but wish I could have 10 years of my life back. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been vitamin A toxic since a young age.
As a kid I drank probably 2-4 cups of orange juice a day and made sure to eat lots of green vegetables. I put myself on a vegetarian diet as a middle schooler. I went vegan in high school, eating very low protein. In college, I followed fruitarianism and then Ray Peat, each for about a year. Looking back on my pictures, I can see the evolving hypothyroidism, the decrease in ambition, the growing mental issues, etc.
As a girl in her early 20's, I feel like I've been robbed of the "prime" years of my life to disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and mental health issues. I can't help but think of all the things I could have done, what I could have been like, and all the things I could have protected myself from had I not consumed excesses of vitamin A.
Having been on the detox for almost 9 months now, I feel like I am able to perceive things more clearly, and I feel so much resentment and regret when reflecting on my past. It's hard now to "undue" a lot of the things that I had done while in a toxic state.
I know I'm fortunate to have found this discovery about vitamin A while relatively young. However, I feel deep sadness knowing that I will never be able to undue certain anatomical changes that happened during puberty, or get years of my life back. I feel robbed of my true potential.
I know it's not productive to have these thoughts, but I can't help it sometimes. The anger and frustration I feel over this can be overwhelming.
I'm inspired by a lot of your journeys and stories, and I know some of you have similar experiences to me. Have you ever felt the same way?
Most people have regrets of some sort. The bottom line is that you can't change it. So just let it go and focus on present and future.. I was also in worst health shape in the best years of my life 15-25... I can cry all day every day or look at it with some perspective. That for example a lot and I mean a lot of people didn't have the opportunity to even live to the best years.. So my life was not the best, but I am still here.. So I remind myself all the time that I should be humble, grateful and happy that I don't have that bad life like a lot of other people..
I don't resent the past, it's self torture
Hi.
This is all personal , but I will still mention it . I am 30 years old now I have suffered vitamin A toxicity since past 5 years , . Most of my life I faced health issues , as a kid , I suffered from severe migraines , followed by wide range of issues like gastrointestinal issues like IBS , basically every year of my life some chronic health issues would pop up. Growing up , I have done countless number of doctor visits , MRI , UGS's and bloodtests .
For a period of a year my health was finally stable and I was doing very good in life like career wise and stuff . I was happy . But again it didnt last long , I overdosed on Vitamin A ( multi vitamin and fish oil ). I though I made it though the. tougher years of my life , but I didnt I would be facing a colossal task of removing vitamin A from my body and basically it would cause havoc to my health . Soon after overdosing was the worst time of my life . I went though terrible depression and anxiety , but I was. able to see my silver lining .
This journey has taught me so much about life and has made me even stronger than I thought I was . I have always been a guy who would fight life back , It was always difficult for me to accept life as it is . But life taught me this wise lesson in a taught way and I am thankful to it . Letting go with full acceptance is the important lesson I have learned . Honestly if I rotate time back , and I am given a choice , I will choose vitamin A toxicity , I know its a m***therf***ker, but I feel like life set me up for this moment , god /life had the best plan for me to deliver many messages to me , wise messages that I needed to listen to .
You are in your early 20's , what a great blessing you have that you know about the dangers of Vitamin A . You might have been robed of your early years , but those years would be added well to your healthy old age .
Cheer up , Let's fix our health Finally !
I can totally relate to your feelings of anger. I too have experienced this. I have come to realise that loss of years of life (or years of life that you didn't get to live/experience in the way that you would have prefered or expected) can result in a form of grief. It is natural to look back and think how your life might have been different and to grieve those losses. In my experience this will pass. Grief counsellors acknowledge that although no two people's experiences are exactly the same there are commonalities in the emotions people experience when they are grieving and anger is one of them. I'm not encouraging dwelling on anger and fueling it, but I also don't think it is healthy to resent or deny it. For me acknowledging my anger enabled me to progress to accepting things.
I hope you don't mind my talking about grief, it's just for me I realised that I did grieve the experiences I had in my childhood and earlier life which could have been so different had certain facts been known. I have also struggled with anger and the two can be related.
I can also see things about myself that I like and am proud of that are the result of adversity. I am the sum of my lifes experiences and I have come to the point where I like more of myself than I don't (which for me is huge). That doesn't mean I can't feel sad about the me that didn't get to do or experience things that most people do. It doesn't mean it wasn't ok for me to feel angry when I first realised that life could have been different. I used to resist my feelings of anger. They scared me and I thought I was bad for having them. Once I allowed myself to feel angry and tell myself it was ok to feel that way, I was better able to process those feelings and move past them.
I found it helpful to think of anger as a part of me that was screaming for my attention, trying to alert me to a problem and so long as I kept slamming the door in it's face it kept hammering at the door, shouting and shouting at me. Once I let it in and let it say it's piece it had no reason to hang around any longer. It was really uncomfortable alowing myself to feel my anger but it was necessary in order for it to move on.
Another thing I think is relevant is that VA toxicity in and of itself causes anger issues in many people. I still have a long way to go in lowering my VA levels but I have noticed that my anger issues are improving as I progress.
I believe that you will come into your true potential. You can't undo the past but you are doing all you can to ensure your future. It is a really hard thing that you are doing. There are so many people with health problems and mental health problems that don't keep striving for answers and working at healing. Many people want a quick fix and for someone else to make them better. You have sought out this information about VA toxicity and are doing something about it. Don't beat yourself up for how you are feeling. Allow yourself those feelings and tell yourself that they will pass.
@leap7 I think @rachel is 100% right so I shall not repeat what she has said so well.
Don't forget that emotions are created by chemicals. Getting rid of VA products in your flesh and blood stirs them around. It will not be the last time your will taste this bitterness.
It is not part of you really, just watch it go away. Spit out the poisoned apple!
Your rage is the measure of your courage. Lion-hearted girl, you have come to the biggest challenge of all. Liberate your real self by dissolving the links to the past mistakes. This is what every one dreams of. It can happen I think. I am watching my scars fade away. And I was taught that scar tissue does not ever go away.
Wrong.
What else is wrong? There is so much we have not yet understood about ourselves. Enjoy this journey. You have not been robbed of anything, just offered a front row seat in the theater of your life.
I suspect that we live lives of dumb animals head bent towards the ground because the Truth is too painful. But this pain goes away every time you understand something. And excreting VA is horrible BUT it brings many such moments!
Hugs, you are not alone!
UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING REPLIES and a GREAT THREAD too!!!
You are not alone, @leap7.
I've noticed that people get angry and "sick of being sick" just before the dawn.
Some people don't reach their full potential until they retire! We'll all be late bloomers together!
It takes pressure to make diamonds.
(virtual hugs)
Thank you all for your responses and kind and uplifting words. I appreciate it so much. It really helps to hear your perspectives and stories.
Beautiful thread, thank you guys. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@leap7 I have definitely done some grieving since starting this process! So I relate to much of what you have written. ❤️ It helps me to take a bit of time to experience and accept the sadness and cry my eyes out. 😭 I am kind of slow at noticing and expressing what I feel, so when I let it out it can be a lot haha. For me, expressing emotion while engaging in an artistic process (like dance), helps me connect it to my body. I feel more grounded afterwards! 🙂
Journalling about my past on the advice of my favourite YouTube psychologist has really helped me, too: